How in the halibut did it become normal to spew nonsense at a woman just because she’s pregnant? I mean, I get it, everyone loves a baby, but dang, please calm down. The golden rule should be: if you don’t know this human-making goddess AND you don’t have anything NICE to say, just let her waddle along. If you can’t fight the temptation and you simply have to engage, here are some things you should not say unless you’d like to be throat punched:
1. “You’re so big/small.”
Please don’t. Maybe you think it’s a compliment or maybe you’re trying to be funny, but this is not the time. People told me I was “so small” my entire pregnancy. Each and every time I heard this, I’d go home and research how big my belly should be. They don’t post that info online because, newsflash, every one is different! I can rationalize that now, but I couldn’t then. I’d be on the phone with my doctor within an hour, and I’d definitely cry myself to sleep. So thanks.
Samsies goes for saying we’re too big. Our minds wonder, people! Even if we can talk ourselves down and stop thinking something is wrong, you just called us fat. Not cool.
Don’t say, “huge.” Don’t say, “big.” Don’t say, “you’re about to pop.” Don’t smile and say, “any day now, huh?” Just zip it. Shhh.
1a. “Are you having twins?”
Are you serious, Linda? We just went over this. Please see above.
2. “You’re being so negative.” / “You’re going to miss this.” / “You don’t know how blessed you are.”
I will miss it (eventually), I know I’m blessed, and I’m not being negative. I’m stressed out, sleep deprived, my body is unrecognizable, and you don’t know what I’m dealing with. You don’t know that my doctor just told me I should abort this pregnancy or it’ll kill me. You don’t know that I’ve been heavily bleeding all morning. You don’t know if I’m waiting for test results. You don’t know if I’ve just gotten them back. You just don’t know. Let me vent, be supportive, and keep your opinion to yourself.
3. “Were you trying?”
Does it matter? Ready or not, this thing’s cookin’. Maybe we’ve been trying for ages, maybe we were just having a lot of sex and leaving it up to God, or maybe we didn’t really understand how babies were made and got a giant surprise. Whatever the answer to that question is, it doesn’t matter now.
4. “Oh you’re having a boy, I bet you wanted a girl.”
Um, no. Who raised you? I wanted a happy, healthy baby. Even if I thought I wanted a certain sex before, now I know what my child is, and I want him/her. They’re perfect in every way. This baby, this one I’m making, is the one I want.
5. “How will you manage all of them?” / “You’re outnumbered, good luck.”
You suck. Do you really think I haven’t already thought about this? I’ve lost sleep obsessing over how we’ll do this, but we will. We’ll do it together and with no help from you. I’ve raised some pretty solid offspring so far, so fingers crossed this one’s cool, too.
“We’re going to throw away all the junk food and eat healthy.” / “We need to watch our weight.”
I get that you’re trying to be helpful and supportive, but I’m going to sit in my car and eat a whole pizza now. So that was decidedly unhelpful.
“Have you lost your mucus plug yet?”
Ya nassssssty. I can’t imagine that more than one person would say this, but please, for the love of all things good in this world, don’t ask this. I’ll worry about my mucus plug and you worry about yours. Ugh, I can’t believe you said that. Go away, I need a shower.
Not every pregnant woman is a delicate, sensitive flower, but when you’re making a human, you aren’t always yourself. That “glow” you see is sweat. My “gorgeous hair” hasn’t been washed in a week. I haven’t slept in a month, and I’m about to push a watermelon out of a bagel, so please be nice.